Stories from a Stratocumulus

A web designer's web design

2009-07-07T15:03:00.000-07:00

I browse the web, subscribe to design blogs, and get the pulse on the latest and greatest web designs as part of my job. There's a certain amount of inbreeding when it comes to the "best of" lists. All web-designers seem to go gaga for "clean," "elegant," and "hand-crafted" designs.

It can be a little difficult for me to look at sites with "fresh eyes". I'm curious to know what those terms mean for you. Does they make sense? Does they make us sound like huge nerds? Do they make us sound pretentious? Do you even care?

A few examples:

http://www.brilliancy.eu/

"Clean, elegant and to the point." It certainly is clean. No bacteria anywhere! Do you like how "clean" it is? Do you want color? Do you want bacteria?

http://simplebits.com/

"Handcrafted pixels." Do you like it when we make it sound like we're carpenters? Or does it sound gimmicky?

http://www.45royale.com/

"Clean, unique, usable." Is it usable for you? Is it unique?

Your thoughts are greatly appreciated.

Oh Yeah

2009-05-21T12:00:00.001-07:00

In celebration of this warm, beautiful day:

I have a new girlfriend!

2009-04-24T11:42:00.000-07:00

Here she is! Just look at her smile---so wonderful. We're crazy about each other.

Treatloaf'd

2009-03-05T22:27:00.000-08:00

Treatloaf started out when I came upon some really awful clip art and decided to put some captions to the worst of the bunch. Good for a few laughs. Check out the originals.

A year and a half later, I'm still doing it. 90% of the time I'm just making myself laugh. (The other 10% is spent digging out bits of celery from my teeth.) It's nice to make other folks laugh too, though, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't like having a few fans. The stats show that about 8 people visit the site every day on average, and about 13 people subscribe via RSS.

Today, however, Treatloaf was visited by over 3,500 people. Somebody on MetaFilter linked to my site, and whenever that happens, traffic spikes. The most interesting part was reading the comments MetaFilter users left on the thread. A handful thought it was good stuff, a bunch were unimpressed, and a few more thought it downright sucked. (It's really weird having one's little hobby be subjected to so many....opinions.) A lot of folks mentioned that Treatloaf is like a less-funny version of Married to the Sea. The truth is, it is. Married to the Sea was part of my inspiration to start posting funnies on a blog, but Drew's stuff is definitely more brilliant than my stuff. I'm not trying to compete. I just like making people laugh (and sometimes groan.) It's like pottery: somebody's always a billion times better at it than you are, but it's still cool to say "I did that."

Anyway, I just thought that was interesting.

First thoughts of Obama

2009-01-19T22:50:00.000-08:00

First time I heard of Obama was shortly after he won his US Senate seat -- he was already a celebrity by then. I liked how young he was. After Kerry lost, I was chatting with a group of buddies (wearing a little white knit cap that made me look like someone from the Middle East) and one of the more politically-minded dudes predicted that Obama would be a great candidate in '08. I agreed, but at the time I thought it would be cool to see Hillary run (the first female president! wow!)

September of '06, I started watching clips of Obama's speeches and it had that crazy effect that so many people talk about: I felt "proud" about my country again --- which was at that point a rare sensation indeed. I won't gush --- you get the point. The rest is history.

I dug up my very first emails about Obama:

3:29pm 10/17/06
hey, i don't know if you'll be around tomorrow or not, but if you are, try to catch oprah. the guy i support for the next presidential election will be on: barack obama. i'd love to get your opinion on him. (of course, if nader runs again¹, i'll be completely torn!)

4:23pm 10/17/06
taping mr. obama would be much appreciated. if obama, nader, and tavis smiley² joined forces, i'd probably pop. (imagine how that campaign would sound: obama/smiley '08 --- sounds like something you'd get at Baskin Robbins³...."I'll have one obama smiley, extra sprinkles please.")

12:59am 2/16/07
No dodgeball on Monday....President's Day. I'd be willing to meet up for a brew or two, though, if you're up for it. We can toast to George Washington and our upcoming president Obama.

¹ Nader did run again, but I did not support his positions and tone. I continue to admire his fight for democracy, however.
² There ended up being a bit of a clash between Obama and Smiley when Obama passed on an invitation to the State of the Black Union. Smiley viewed it as an insult to the black community.
³ Baskin Robbins did not make an Obama flavor, but Ben & Jerry's created "Yes Pecan!" Seriously.

Snow Removal

2008-12-21T11:43:00.000-08:00

Seattle has 27 trucks reserved for snow removal. Roads are not salted due to cost and environmental issues (runoff into Puget Sound).

Milwaukee has 250 trucks in operation, including 108 salt trucks.

Photo retouching.

2008-12-09T21:52:00.000-08:00

Check out this amazing photo retouching sample from PhoJoe:

Tough call

2008-12-08T11:50:00.000-08:00

Nature

2008-12-03T22:10:00.001-08:00

An "awful poem" by Zack Goehner.
As heard on the benparsons.com podcast.

Earth.
I can see you if I open my eyes.
I can touch you if I open my hands.
But I can't hear you,
because you clogged my ears.

Sky.
I can't feel you, because you're a gas.
I can smell you, because you're a gas.
My friend Natalie is so great.
She's such a gas.

Tongue.
You're a part of my mouth.
I can't smell you, though.
You're too far away.

Disease.
You make me sick.
The soft coldness of a warm hardness.
Like multiplying two negative integers,
you make a positive.

Newsweek Correction

2008-11-21T13:27:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite things to read in Newsweek is the "Corrections" section. Here's a good one from the latest issue:

Castro

2008-11-10T01:59:00.001-08:00

Early stages of psychosis

2008-11-09T16:31:00.000-08:00

Various clips from a history project back in '96. I got an "A+" for the project, and a "P+" from the Sanity Control Board & Artisan Bakeries for "Probably Psychotic."

Obama when it was called

2008-11-07T10:32:00.000-08:00

Awesome photo collection from election night [link].

Broken

2008-11-06T18:27:00.000-08:00

The following have occurred recently:

-- Microwave broke (shoots sparks)
-- Car broke (evap valve, battery, belts, brakes)
-- iPod broke
-- Camera lost
-- 3 flat tires on the bike
-- Computer broke (corrupted files)

Plus, a consistent leak in our kitchen ceiling.

Cost for repairs:

-- Microwave: $150. Not even worth that much. New microwave: $100
-- Car: $850
-- Computer: 1 full day of restoring backups and troubleshooting
-- iPod: free. They just gave me a new one.

Wouldn't it be great if everyone had the Apple attitude?

Nissan: "Sorry about that, Zack. Here's a new Altima. Black okay?"
Landlord: "Heck, it's not worth repairing. How about you take this new beachfront condo instead?"
Computer: "Hey, Zack: I know I'm acting funny. Roll back the updates and re-install them manually. That's all you have to do."

Ha!

Melanin

2008-11-05T10:44:00.000-08:00

Source: patrickmoberg.com

Beauty

2008-10-24T13:00:00.000-07:00

What does beauty mean to you? If you were to capture beauty in a single image, what would it be? Would it look like this:

Oh yah, ya-yah...

2008-10-22T00:13:00.000-07:00

Pullover! (No, it's a cardigan! But thanks for asking!)

2008-10-20T15:49:00.000-07:00

Got pulled over yesterday. On my bike. Going 50 in a 25. (Ha! Just kidding. I wish I could go 50 without wetting myself.) I didn't stop at a crosswalk for a couple chickens who apparently wanted to get to the other side. Only twice since I've lived at the current house have I managed to go all the way down 8th without having to stop at a light. If I hit the first light just as it turns yellow, and I book it for the next eight blocks, I'm home free. But it's only happened twice. (Note: going back up 8th, a full 2.5 miles uphill, I almost always make it the whole way without getting stopped at a light.) Yesterday, I was at the booking-it-for-eight-blocks part when I broke the law and didn't stop. Cop gave me a nice little lecture on how bikes need to obey the same laws cars do....yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it. At least she was nice about it. At least she didn't have a 10-34 to respond to.

So, you're trying to get to the other side of a fairly low-traffic road with a nice, convenient median to stop at. As you're walking, you see a biker booking it down the hill. Do you a) pause for a moment to let him pass, b) let him pass and curse him for being so selfish, c) call the cops, or d) walk out and make him stop and/or swerve?

Blegggch!

2008-10-16T14:36:00.001-07:00

Pampered Pooches

2008-10-08T03:57:00.000-07:00

A few days after receiving benefits from the bailout plan, executives from AIG went to St. Regis resort in L.A. for a few days of pampering, spa treatments, and golf. [source] Hey, why not celebrate?

Interesting tidbit from the St. Regis site:

The "Pamper Your Pooch" Package

The package consists of an overnight stay in a Resort view guestroom, a personalized welcome letter to the pet, the exclusive St. Regis doggy bed, pet amenities including “Sniffany & Co.”, “Bark Jacobs”, “Dog Perignon”, or “Jimmy Chew” toys, personalized silver food and water bowls, an array of treats, biscuits, and bones, along with an issue of Hollywood Dog! Pricing for this package begins at $545 per night. (two-night minimum required)

How about a "Pamper Your AIG CEO" Package?

The package consists of an overnight stay in a Resort view guestroom, a personalized welcome letter to the CEO, the exclusive St. Regis doggy bed, CEO amenities including "$700 billion taxpayer dollars", "A Do-Over", "Get Out of Jail Free Card", and "Jimmy Chew" toys, personalized silver food and water bowls, and array of treats, biscuits, and foreclosed properties, along with an issue of Enjoy Your Bailout! I'm Comfortable Living in My Car For a While.

Poem Adept

2008-10-08T01:38:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, we launched poemadept.com. I worked with musician Peter Rothbart (from FOUND magazine, and also, if not more importantly, from Monday night dodgeball) to redevelop his website for the modern age. What do you think?

Why I'm Growing Out My Beard

2008-10-01T01:16:00.000-07:00

So I'll look something like this come the end of October:

Update: in case you weren't sure who's pictured in the photo above (ahem, dad...), that's Fidel Castro. Not me.

Ruthie's Uniform

2008-09-26T12:41:00.001-07:00

Today we officially launched Ruthie's Uniform, the website for my clothing-designer friend Ruthie Nicklaus. The site was probably among the most fun to design of all the websites I've done; I think it turned out nicely. More importantly, the clothes Ruthie designs are awesome, so check out her shop and pick up something for the fashionable woman in your life.

Sauce in the Face

2008-09-11T22:17:00.000-07:00

Fast-forward to 7:28 --- this is one of the funniest things I've seen in hours. Oh, and don't mind the butt you see below.

Daily Reflection

2008-09-05T15:41:00.001-07:00

This pretty much sums it up.

from garfield minus garfield

Conversations With Food

2008-09-01T19:20:00.000-07:00

Zack, from bedroom: "Are you talking to me?"
Jamie, from kitchen: "No, I'm talking to the lasagna."

Science Fiction

2008-09-01T14:54:00.000-07:00

One thing I like about science fiction: you get to see lines like this --

All I know is that when I was your age, I wasn't allowed to attach my space capsule to any navigational beam over a hundred miles in distance. I mean, not till I was over 16 years in age, anyway...

New Reality Shows

2008-08-29T17:08:00.000-07:00

I've been developing ideas for new reality TV shows. Let me know what you think:

So You Think You Can Prance
Are You Afraid of a Fifth Grader?
Ear Factor
Weakest Stink
Who Wants to Marry an Inanimate Object?
Who Doesn't Want to Be A Millionaire?
America's Next Top Modeling Clay

Obama Completes Us

2008-08-29T17:07:00.000-07:00

Swing State

2008-08-18T15:51:00.000-07:00

Thanks for the friendly reminder, my.barackobama.com, but you might want to make a quick call to the graphics department. Maybe they're referring to one of the seven extra states Obama mentioned: Oregoshington.

To my Oregoshington readers: the primary tomorrow isn't full of lots of excitement, but still try to vote. Need a tip sheet? Check out the Stranger's endorsements. I don't always agree, but they have a nice way of summarizing what's at stake.

Punched

2008-08-11T14:58:00.000-07:00

Quote of the Day

2008-07-30T21:11:00.000-07:00

"Well, I ate a bunch of cake when I got home and now I don't know what to do."

- Jamie

Thomas Disch: 1940-2008

2008-07-08T00:24:00.000-07:00

Last Friday, July 4th, my favorite author, Thomas Disch, committed suicide in his New York apartment. He had been struggling with depression for several years.

I was introduced to Disch's work as a child, watching The Brave Little Toaster on the Disney Channel free preview week. Years later I would re-watch the movie and gain a new appreciation for the brilliant story. I've since read everything he's written (except for a couple poetry anthologies and essays.) He has three books due out this summer. Two are already on hold for me at the library. It looks like the experience will be bittersweet.

My favorite Disch piece is called Descending -- it's a short story about a man who gets caught up reading a book while descending an escalator, then realizes he's trapped on a seemingly endless descent. (I won't spoil the end.) Read Descending here.

So I guess this means I'm a member of the group of people whose favorite author is dead. No more books, just re-reading everything and appreciating the fresh details that somehow emerge each time.

Thunder

2008-07-07T20:53:00.000-07:00

I've lived in Seattle for nearly three years, and I've only heard one thunderstorm.

I've been back in Milwaukee for a week and so far I've heard three.

Josh

2008-06-27T14:37:00.000-07:00

Old people call me Josh. Consistently.

Goodbye, Rainier

2008-06-25T13:52:00.000-07:00

Early this morning, in Zack's Dreamland, Mount Rainier exploded in a giant fiery fireball of volcanic explosiveness. The following is the last known photograph of the legendary mountain, taken by Zack himself:

Three-Ring Circus: 1913

2008-06-23T15:27:00.000-07:00

New York. March 21, 1913. Preparing for Circus Week at Madison Square Garden. 5x7 glass negative, George Grantham Bain Collection.

~~From Shorpy.~~

EDIT: Shorpy doesn't like me linking to their page (thanks for blocking my blog, Shorpy!). Here's the damn image:

SPF WTF

2008-06-19T11:30:00.000-07:00

Haha. Very funny. Very very funny. (Jerks.)

Windfall

2008-06-10T15:04:00.000-07:00

Ladies and gentleman, the Grand Old Party has blocked an effort to impose a windfall tax on Big Oil. Democrats wanted to take a percentage of the major oil companies' record profits and spend it on alternative energy (a company could avoid the tax by investing that money into alternative energy itself). It was filibustered successfully.

Apparently unaware of the extreme hypocrisy, the Republicans also voted against extending a tax break for alternative energy companies.

I do not think we can tax ourselves out of an oil crisis.

I do think the high prices will help fuel demand for alternative energy.

I am incredibly frustrated with the Republicans' incredible shortsightedness.

Source

We Need to Deliver

2008-06-06T00:17:00.000-07:00

I've discovered that John McCain and I share a common belief:

"I can breathe"

2008-05-28T04:08:00.000-07:00

One afternoon during sixth-grade science my lab partner suddenly stopped what he was doing and opened his eyes wide. "I can breathe out of both nostrils!" he said to me. Andy had had health problems for most of his childhood -- one being a perpetually clogged nasal passageway, apparently. He had simply gotten used to the fact that he could only breathe out of one nostril.

But that afternoon, before my very eyes, Andy started breathing with both nostrils at the same time. His eyes bulged with excitement, his hands were up in the "oh my god!" position, and he was doing his best to smile and take deep breaths at the same time.

I remember asking him if he was okay -- it was a little weird to watch somebody breath so intensely. He could only say "yeah" --- he was too busy enjoying his breaths.

It lasted for about a minute. His nostril clogged up again and he went back to breathing out of one side.

It was pretty powerful seeing a peer enjoy a simple part of life so intensely, as if it would be the last time.

Word of the Day

2008-05-15T10:40:00.000-07:00

Membrane.

That word is awesome.

A Question for God

2008-05-11T02:14:00.000-07:00

My favorite author, Thomas Disch, has a blog. A few days ago, to promote his new novel, he wrote from the perspective of God and took questions from his readers.

I asked God, "What is your favorite species in the universe and why?"

God's response: "What a good question. The Xloti of Aldebaran 4. They'd be your favorite too, if they weren't invisible to the human eye." [read]

Mr. Disch's upcoming novel is The Word of God: Or, Holy Writ Rewritten.

It's pretty awesome to have access to your favorite author (and God, for that matter).

Do you qualify?

2008-05-07T01:07:00.000-07:00

Mr. Rogers' Crayon Factory

2008-05-02T19:53:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you, the real Mr. Roger's crayon factory video:

I almost certainly never saw this version when I was a kid. Indeed, it was the Sesame version (see post below) that I had been thinking of all this time.

What about you? Does this version match the one you remember?

Question

2008-04-27T19:40:00.001-07:00

Do trees have souls?

Pinwheel

2008-04-27T19:38:00.000-07:00

It's like going through the old boxes up in the attic --- I'm finding more stuff that's embedded in my brain but I haven't thought of since I was single digits. "Pinwheel" (a show, and also the name of Nickelodeon before it was Nickelodeon). The part with the talking sombrero was my favorite.

Crayon Factory

2008-04-25T23:03:00.001-07:00

9 out of 8 people I meet remember the crayon factory as one of Mr. Rogers' picture-pictures. But the clip I found, immediately identified as "the one" by the music, is clearly a Sesame Street vignette:

A search on IMDB proves that Fred did in fact go to the crayon factory, but I think that for all this time I've thought the Sesame version was the one. I can't recall any details about the Fred version.

I've put a library hold on the Mister Rogers DVD with the crayon episode, and I promise to report the findings as soon as it gets in.

(Zack in the sand.)

WTF?

2008-04-13T23:36:00.001-07:00

I love pranks, and I love playing jokes on kids, but this disturbs me:

Estimated Tax

2008-04-09T01:03:00.000-07:00

To all those who are self-employed, partially-self-employed, or thinking about becoming self-employed, I have one piece of advice: make the quarterly estimated payments. Last year I told myself I'd save 10% of my income in a CD or savings for this year's taxes. That didn't happen, and it really sucks to have to pay it all at once (plus the $108 penalty.)

Enroll with EFTPS, set up the automatic withdrawal, and avoid the shock next year.

Boston Dynamics

2008-03-28T18:56:00.000-07:00

This is obviously quite incredible, but does anybody else find this really funny? Particularly 1:25....

A Very Good Year

2008-03-26T23:41:00.000-07:00

I love this song. It's particularly fun to sing along and make up new lyrics:

...It was a very good year
for two-headed girls
with spikes in their eyes.
I'd hide from the light
and try not to scream,
when I was seventeen.

...When I was one hundred and twelve,
it was a very good year...

Cloudburst

2008-03-19T00:55:00.000-07:00

I don't know the correct term. Squall? Cloudburst? What's it called when it's a sunny day but all of the sudden you're getting rained on? Seattle's one of those rare places where you can say it's "sunny and raining right now."

Squalls (or cloudbursts...whatever) can even come into your apartment, in the form of tears. The sunlight poured into the house and tears poured from eyes. They formed Rorschach puddles on the wood floor. They fell and melted in the softest part of a shirt.

Nader

2008-02-24T22:53:00.000-08:00

Ralph Nader has decided to run for president again. I voted for him in 2004. The residue of the bumper sticker is still on my car. It's interesting how his candidacy strikes me this time around....

Playing

2008-02-24T20:40:00.000-08:00

At the community center today, some kids were sitting around the hallway while their parents were having a ballroom dancing lesson. One precocious kid was inviting the other 9-year-olds to play blackjack and poker. I was a little sad that kids would be [play]gambling so early (Is it early? I'm not from a gambling family...) Anyway, I came back twenty minutes later and they had given up on the cards to make castles and forts out of the poker chips. No gameboys, no ipods, no pokemon to be seen. It made me happy to witness kids playing with their imaginations.

Yes We Can

2008-02-03T01:25:00.000-08:00

Super Obama Girl

2008-02-01T13:51:00.000-08:00

Tuesday fever!

1940s in Full Color

2008-01-16T19:38:00.001-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Library of Congress has launched a pilot program uploading thousands of high-res images to Flickr. These images are copyright-free, public-domain, and oh-so-wonderful.

Visit the LOC's Flickr page »

Some of the first images are rare full-color, crystal-clear photographs from the 1930s and 1940s. They have the clarity of any digital photo you'd take nowadays, but then you stop and realize that you're actually looking at something from 70 years ago.

Here are some samples:

Hyperlinks

2008-01-07T00:56:00.000-08:00

http://www.polanoid.net/
The place to go if you like Polaroid photos. (By the way, my girlfriend has a few Polaroids going up in a show at Twenty Twenty in Ballard this Saturday.)

http://www.hbovoyeur.com/
Is it late at night? Are you looking for a good way to kill 30 minutes before bed? Spend a little time here --- it's very cool, very subtle, and very beautiful.

http://www.mint.com/
An excellent tool for tracking your money --- it generates reports on your spending habits on-the-fly. Though if you're like me, you only look at them when you're feeling masochistic.

http://explodingdog.com/
This guy draws pictures from titles people send him. The visual interpretations are sometimes funny, sometimes though-provoking, sometimes just plain goofy.

http://www.elizium.nu/scripts/lemmings/
Lemmings in full glory. Except no music. May I recommend Boards of Canada as an alternative?

Sleep(less) in Heavenly Peace

2007-12-22T07:00:00.000-08:00

Tis the season to be stressed out....fa la la la la....ba bummmmmm. Worked on Christmas presence (haha) all day and night. It's now 7am....and I'm due for a 10-hour shift at the center in 20 minutes. Can I do it without any sleep? Can it be done? We shall see! I've got a bottle of caffeine pills, several cans of high-fructose corn syrup caffeinated carbonated concoction, and I feel compelled to say that I also have a lovely bunch of coconuts.

According to high-level sources, sleep deprivation is linked to (i.e. causes, but don't quote me) heart disease, mental illness, and obesity. Which reminds me: I recently updated my Amazon wishlist! It now includes an EKG, CAT, and a mammogram (for good measure.)

Alternate Futures

2007-12-10T05:04:00.000-08:00

Imagining the future is something I do frequently.

I can trace this back to the Future City part of the Spaceship Earth ride at EPCOT (the city exhibit no longer exists, sadly.) My 7-year-old brain was truly convinced that I might be able to jump off and down into the future city.

Fast forward to my college years. One afternoon I watched "The Brave Little Toaster" and took notice of the author who wrote the novella: Thomas M. Disch. I picked up one of his early books from the library and thus began the next step into my fascination.

The majority of my reading now falls into the "science fiction" category. For many, SF means aliens, intergalactic battles, star trek, etc. The SF I read has notoriously eluded a proper categorization. The best I've seen is "experimental fiction". Essentially, these are thought experiments written in such a way that you can immerse yourself.

Imagine what your apartment complex will be like in 100 years.
Imagine a world where time moves slower as you rise further above sea level.
Imagine being the last person on Earth.
Imagine your neighborhood 100,000 years in the future.

Alan Weisman's "World Without Us" (non-fiction) is particularly powerful. If all humanity were to suddenly cease to exist, what would happen to our planet? You'd be surprised how quickly your neighborhood would become unrecognizable. In 20 years, the houses would be crumbled piles, the streets would be full of bushes and trees, and even a city like New York would be on it's way back to being a forest.

I read "Earth Abides" by George R. Stewart shortly after "World Without Us" and it couldn't have been timed better. The protagonist bears resemblance to myself, and with the images of earth 20 years after humanity fresh in my mind, I was swiftly carried into an alternate future that kept me in a dreamy haze longer after I finished the book.

It's sad for me to think that I can't "go to" the future any faster than the rest of us, not even for a quick peek. I have to explore with my imagination. Sometimes I wonder if that's healthy or not.

Open Letter

2007-11-08T03:51:00.000-08:00

To the person who keeps smashing my car windows:

Is it my Obama '08 sticker?
Do you hate Japanese vehicles?
Have you overestimated my sense of humor?
Do you find Treatloaf offensive?
Were you a little too forceful when smashing the little spiders that crawl on it at night?
Are you trying to send me a message?

I'll get over the $200 I have to spend to get it fixed....again... And I'll get over the fact that I have to forfeit much-needed sleep to take it to the shop....again.... And I'll get over the fact that I'll have to walk an extra four blocks every time I park the car so this doesn't happen again....

But you should really consider finding a better way to communicate.

New York Times

2007-09-23T01:16:00.000-07:00

The New York Times is biased against Barack Obama. Oh how that makes me angry. I just can't figure out what Hillary has over Obama. Experience? Show me how she's had any more than Obama. It's like getting two Clintons for the price of one? Show me how that's a good thing. I would expect a news company to help me figure this out. (Thanks be to MSNBC/Newsweek.)

treatloaf.com

2007-09-10T01:51:00.000-07:00

Announcing treatloaf.com! Daily goodness!

What was he doing?

2007-08-29T19:02:00.000-07:00

We get a lot of dumpster divers. At least one every hour. I make a point to pour the old mayo juice and rotten vegetables over my garbage as a sort of "sealant" when I have something of high value in the garbage. Lord knows I throw away a lot of valuable stuff like cash, precious jewels, pink slips, Baby Gap coupons, and mustard.

Today I heard the telltale shuffle of a diver digging through every last piece of junk, and I decided to watch. He worked methodically from left to right, top to bottom, putting all bits of paper and cardboard back on the left. When he was satisfied with his take he.....put it all in the recycling bin???

Fluke, I thought. Nope. He proceeded to dig through every garbage can up the alley, putting paper and cardboard into the recycling bins. I think I heard him say "dis is not garbage" once, in a heavy french accent. (Which was strange, because I had just watched this.)

Is this common, or am I dreaming?

Clouds

2007-08-23T08:19:00.000-07:00

They're constantly changing mountain ranges. The big chunky stratocumulus and cumulonimbus clouds of the Pacific northwest offer daily panoramas of vast, unexplored mountains of so many brilliant colors. Sometimes I hear my mind trying to remind me that they are vapor---unable to support the weight of a brave mountaineer. I prefer to ignore that fact. They are mountains, and I fantasize about exploring them....if only in my imagination.

New feature: Clip Art Atrocities 3

2007-07-27T00:38:00.001-07:00

New feature: Clip Art Atrocities 2

2007-07-27T00:37:00.001-07:00

New feature: Clip Art Atrocities

2007-07-27T00:34:00.000-07:00

Glade

2007-07-23T03:20:00.000-07:00

"Glade" is one of my new favorite words.

What is that??

2007-07-16T00:43:00.000-07:00

Watch the following video. The second-to-last clip, you'll see a group of boys playing ball on a court and what appears to be a midget man. But is it a midget man? Is it a toddler? If so, why is it wearing a suit? Look at the size of the head! What is that thing???

A day of thanks

2007-07-14T21:01:00.000-07:00

A plethora of thank-you's while working at the community center today. It's not unusual for the ever-friendly Seattleite population to extend a bit of gratitude now and then, but sometimes it's loaded on heavy. I was thanked for the following today:

- For coming in 30 minutes early (for which I was paid $10) to set up an ez-up canopy
- For saying goodbye to a guy I know (Zack: "Seeya later!"; Jake: "Thanks!")
- For allowing the farmers from the market to use the restroom every Saturday
- For handing a woman two fans that were five feet away from her
- For telling a man that he needed to go out a different door, because all the others were locked
- For giving a homeless albino diabetic orphaned infant $100,000 cash

I say to ye whom have thankest me: You're quite welcome!

Crank Your Shorts

2007-07-13T22:46:00.001-07:00

I'd like to introduce you to CrankYourShorts.com --- my father's blog. This project began as a birthday present several years ago. It stewed in our minds for a while....we each took turns procrastinating a bit.... but tonight we launched it, officially.

Take a look at crankyourshorts.com --- and be sure to leave him a nice comment.

Brains

2007-07-07T17:23:00.000-07:00

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mom", he asked, "Are these my brains?"

"Not yet," she replied.

Soup

2007-06-28T18:12:00.000-07:00

Does anybody still heat canned soup on the stove? I believe it heats it more thoroughly...

Queest-ce que je dis ?

2007-06-28T02:47:00.000-07:00

Gibble flapp duggle nik prito dun diggle shoo fortunt. Pree tiggle shin obbleflock. Narcobump lik wizzlechoo frun wezzyjug. Tro mobble rezundic! Greshy neem opol gordy chund. Nippug gooby flopper.

This, apparently, is how the world hears me. It all seems to make sense to me....I even use extra caution to avoid sticky words and defrost foggy concepts. To no avail.

In groups, in everyday social exchanges, I do fine. Aside from the "Oh...did I wake you?" I get on the phone, embarrassingly, even from clients, at 5:30pm, I seem to do a pretty good job of guiding a conversation, making my point, listening profusely, and reaching some sort of an understanding. I'll occasionally throw in a quip or pun to keep things interesting....something only vain people (like myself) do with any success.

So why is it when I'm trying to communicate during those times when it's extra-crucial that I speak clearly and articulate fully, everything suddenly turns to rotten verbal stew?

Examples:

"I love you." ---becomes--- "I like what you do for me."
"All I want....more than anything....is for you to find happiness." ---becomes--- "Hurry up and be happy; I'm sick of this sad shit."
"I was just thinking about...." ---becomes--- "I've decided that...."
"What can I do to help?" ---becomes--- "I have no idea what to do."
"I completely understand." ---becomes--- "I'm better than you because I already know what that feels like even though I'm probably completely wrong about it."

When.....how.....why did I become an enemy to love and reason (and the puny area where they intersect)? Why is it that my best efforts to show love repeatedly backfire?

Today was a beautiful day. Things were great. Then I opened my mouth, and out spewed hell and fury and sadness and nothing remotely good.....or so I'm told. Entire day ruined. Look at me...I'm blogging after two months of silence.

I'm not so dense as to think that I'm a perfect communicator. I mumble...I go off on tangents....I make unreasonable assumptions... But how can I cure this impediment? How does a man who speaks French ask the guy from Berlin to teach him German? Am I totally fucking crazy here or what?

Select poems by Thomas Disch

2007-04-25T14:19:00.000-07:00

To Be a Sun

There is no way to end this
and I haven't even begun.
But isn't that the sun's dilemma
every day? Except that the sun,
from its own point of view, doesn't
set and doesn't rise. It sits there,
and other objects circle around it
at a careful distance.
A great advantage, and one
the rest of us do not possess.
Like money.

I Got a Box from Whole Foods

The peels of tangerines
like zippered jeans
are meant to come off with ease.
And then a little squeeze.

But some of them taste
like untreated waste
or an undiagnosed disease.

The Secret of Happiness

Wish for what you got.
You may get it, you may not.
If you do, there's such content
In thinking you can pay the rent,
Or if you can't, at least you'll know
There's nowhere else that you must go.
No need to toil or spin or choose.
No one but you to fill your shoes.
It's nine a.m. but you can stay
Asleep in bed another day.

Memories

2007-03-18T01:17:00.000-07:00

One thing about living far away from home is that you don't stumble upon old memories very often. If you're in the general vicinity of the place you grew up, you'll run into your old elementary school, a park, the smell of a factory you used to drive by on the way to soccer practice, etc.

But far away, you don't run into those things because everything is new. I got nostalgic once driving by my first apartment here in Seattle (I've only been in my new place five months....that's slightly pitiful.)

But today, while picking up garbage around the community center I work for on weekends, the distinct smell of fallen hawthorn berries found its way into my nose. In my childhood, that was the smell of autumn in our neighborhood. Where the smell came from today, I cannot say.... I think it was the garbage. But I don't care where or how...it was a fantastic moment having a tangible memory, way out here in Seattle, of a childhood back in Wisconsin.

Poem

2007-02-22T20:11:00.000-08:00

I go on until I am beneath an archway.
The ordinary, wide scene which begin
snow-haze gleams like sand.
Centimeters, the height of the canvas.
My only thought is for what is
dismal, endless plain:
the paths of childhood.
Turn it into something cartoon-funny.
Tree-dividing sky finally comes down to
"Now it's my turn to sing!"
They tear apart the mist. It is as
giddy as good kids playing hookey. Now,
cascading snowflakes settle in the pines.
Choces, Mère and Père, undreaming even of fields
as distant memories through the fog-dimmed light.
The snowflakes are swirling, blotting out
by the loud hand of painting, always.
Winds blow sharp. What then?
Russia: The Great Northern Expedition.

(This poem was brought to you by spam.)

Baptism

2007-02-21T21:28:00.000-08:00

Jamie to Zack: "I'm going to kick your baptized ass."

"Patterns" Result

2007-02-21T15:49:00.000-08:00

Pattern: 75% of all phone calls I get are made while I am in the bathroom.

Anti-Gravity

2007-02-21T15:29:00.000-08:00

Before moving to Seattle, I occasionally wondered what it would be like to be here, caught up in the day-to-day and not noticing all the things I love about this place. It happens to everyone at some point. I think it started by being in a hurry. The past several months, I've been in a near-constant rush. Rushing to get from a to b. Rushing to complete x, y, and z. During all of that, I don't necessarily ignore all of the things I love about this place, I just put those sentiments on "hold."

Goodbye, hold music. I can't continue rushing. Not even if I want to! Days like today come out of nowhere and swoop me back into the mindset I know and love. I had to park the car in the far-away spot today since there's never any close-by parking during daylight hours. The far-away spot is across the water and underneath the huge Interstate 5 bridge. Walking back, I couldn't help but feel inspired under the huge steel beams and concrete. I stopped by the park by the water and watched things for a few minutes. And there it was: I stopped rushing. Maybe it's the fresh air giving me a high. Maybe it's the sunny, semi-warm day. Crossing the bridge, high above water and homes, I almost felt weightless. I climbed on to the railing to peak over the edge (this is something I never do...I'm terrified of heights.) I listened. I admired the way all the cars and people were hustling through the labyrinthine streets.

I wish I could take a walk above the city every once in a while. Today I appreciated Seattle like I did when I decided to move here, walking the streets on a comfortable summer afternoon, in no particular hurry. I feel good.

Salsa

2007-02-02T01:22:00.000-08:00

You know that guy whose girlfriend takes him dancing and he ends up being a pissy lump, ruining the night for everyone? That was me tonight. I ruined it for everyone. I made all those amazing beautiful smiles of hers go away. I ruined it trying so hard not to.

Patterns

2007-02-01T03:23:00.000-08:00

Do you ever notice strange patterns in your daily life? For example, you hear a certain word that you normally never hear, suddenly, at least four times? Or how after you have a really great and exceptional day, things start going wrong with your bathroom plumbing?

I'm doing an experiment. I'm keeping track of those things in my Google Calendar for a month or so, after which I'll look back and analyze the patterns to see if I'm crazy or not. You'll hear it here first.

More from Spamland

2007-01-31T12:03:00.000-08:00

"Rain came down...delicatessen cataract napkins of lightning!"

These are a few of my favorite things

2007-01-22T12:44:00.000-08:00

These dudes help me live a happy, productive life:

MyFonts. A dream come true for anybody who wants to know "what font did they use for that?" or "hmm...I need a fresh look for my designs..."
http://www.myfonts.com/

iStockphoto. Perhaps the single most useful site for a designer that needs lots of stock. And if you're a photographer, a next-gen way to earn some dollarage.
http://www.istockphoto.com

Farecast. The best way to ensure you're flying on the right day, the right airline, and staying for the right amount of time. Oh how I love this one.
http://www.farecast.com/

Phirebrush. Monthly inspiration to keep making art. Someday I'll submit. Maybe you'll beat me to it.
http://www.phirebrush.com/

Phone Location Lookup. Ever get a call from a number you don't recognize? Well, now at least you'll know where it's coming from and what the median income is for that zipcode.
http://www.melissadata.com/lookups/phonelocation.asp

Yelp. Want to try a new restaurant or nightspot? Put in an address or just scroll around the map and it'll show you all the user-submitted-and-reviewed top places, dynamically.
http://www.yelp.com/

Froogle. This site used to suck, but it's gotten a lot better at finding the best price for that thing you want to buy online. And now, if you have a Gmail account (ask me if you want one), you can checkout through Google so you don't have to sign up for all of their newsletters and stuff. I like reducing hassles, don't you?
http://froogle.google.com/

Apple movie trailers. In a world, where you can see every movie trailer you missed because you arrived late at the theater.
http://www.apple.com/trailers/

Sesame Street

2006-12-27T02:06:00.000-08:00

I have been looking for this for years. I finally found it. Vintage Sesame Street with the piano-playing robot!

Memorable Quotes from "The Brave Little Toaster"

2006-12-12T03:16:00.000-08:00

Toaster: Well, if you don't want to work, why don't we play a game?
The Radio: A game? What sort of a game?
Lampy: What are the rules?
Toaster: There's only one rule... no one stops until the house is clean.

The Radio: Things could be worse you know.
Lampy: How?
The Radio: How what?
Lampy: How could they be worse?
The Radio: They couldn't; I lied.

Kirby: Why don't you shut off?
Air Conditioner: Oh, I'm really scared there, Kirby. What are you going to do, suck me to death?

Lampy: I'm, uh, I'm just trying to understand, trying to figure out, what it all means.
Toaster: Well, it's kind of hard to describe. It's like being next to a new loaf of bread.

The Radio: We're trapped here like rats! Small little rats with no hair and one leg!

Every Shade of Bland

2006-12-11T05:20:00.000-08:00

Hello again world. I'm not sure if there are more than three people who read this, but even if it is only three, I'm honored to be writing something you three read.

So, the common joke is that I find a way to utilize every shade of bland. In design, decor, and even clothing, it could be said that few vibrant colors are found (unless they are of the bland variety.) If you ask me what my favorite color is, the first thing I'll think of is "gray." But if you insist on an actual color and not a shade, I'd say "green" (but an olive/bland version of green...). My "safe place" is in the middle of a calm, gray ocean with overcast clouds. I wrote a poem about it once:

It's a big gray lake that you can never come back from.
Thick water, so I float on a raft.
The haze is nice and sweetly sad.
To get a better view, I build.
The tower goes up and then you help me:
a companion in this abandoned lake
with thick water that we float on with a raft
and we build a tower to get a better view.
Speeding up and making waves, but not crests.
Thick ripples that you can't come back from.
I build and see the view that we were building to see,
but you're gone. Must've fallen, but no scream.
So I climb back down. A tower for two is nothing for one.
Tear down the tower so I can build it again later
and break the thick water on the big gray lake
that you can never come back from.

I love being surrounded by gray [bland] and endless space, and I'm not ashamed. In a bland world you notice the real colors when they manifest themselves. In the poem, I'm surrounded by gray but driven by the "color" of "love". In a gray overcast sky, you can find little whisps of white cloud and blue sky peeking through. In a bland room, color is created by the people that occupy it.

Jamie and I painted our walls with color. Gold for the bathroom. Deep/denim blue for the bedroom. Rich red for the living room. When picking the colors at Home Depot, she was concerned that her choices would be too much for a bland-lover like me. But they weren't. I love the colors. In my perfectly gray world, love (and related energy) is the color. Painting the walls is completely fitting.

For someone who can only focus on one or two things at a time, simple surroundings makes it easier to focus on the real colors. The 2pm sun that crept into our room to wake us up today. Jamie's rosy cheeks. The lush and fragrant green of our first Christmas tree. The gumdrop-colored ornaments we hung on it. The golden beer I sip, calming my nerves. The blackness as I stumble through the dark house trying to find my bed for another night's rest.

Every shade of bland? Yep. And I like it that way.

Where is Zack?

2006-12-01T01:16:00.000-08:00

He's been doing lots of website work, helping his girlfriend pack up her life to start fresh in Seattle, enjoying various pies, meeting various friends, driving through wind, snow and rain across the country, and now he's back home with a to-do list the size of his bald spot (now that's large!)

Thanks for checking back and looking to see if there's been an update. You'll be rewarded soon enough. Just hang in there another couple days while I gather these scattered pieces of my life.

Seattle

2006-11-21T19:32:00.000-08:00

I miss you.

One Word

2006-11-19T19:13:00.000-08:00

1. Yourself /// antsy
2. Your girlfriend /// overwhelmed
3. Your hair /// missing
4. Your mother /// visiting
5. Your Father /// positive
6. Your Favorite Item /// piano
7. Your dream last night /// car
8. Your Favorite drink /// Surge
9. Your Dream Car /// free
10. The room you are in /// television
11. Your Ex /// prurient
12. Your fear /// insects
13. What you want to be in 10 years /// exploring
14. Who you hung out with last night /// Jamie
15. What You're Not /// tired
16. Muffins /// Cunningham
17: One of Your Wish List Items /// couch
18: Time /// early
19. The Last Thing You Did /// party
20. What You Are Wearing /// bandana
21. Your Favorite Weather /// colorful
22. Your Favorite Book /// Disch
23. The Last Thing You Ate /// cake
24. Your Life /// transitory
25. Your Mood /// quiet
26. Your best friend /// Jamie
27. What you're thinking about right now /// chocolate
28. Your car /// unused
29. What you are doing at the moment /// sharing
30. Your summer /// incredible
31. Your relationship status /// smitten
32. What is on your tv /// Dexter
33. What is the weather like /// chilly
34. When is the last time you laughed /// hour

Said with a sip

2006-11-08T22:03:00.000-08:00

Today: mellow. can't-put-my-finger-on-it. blink-of-an-eye. what-ever-happened-to-the-time....

Five good things for the day:
- the come-from-behind hug i got this morning before the alarm.
- grilled cheese and pickles for two meals.
- resignation of the almighty warmonger Rumsfeld.
- finding some astounding new music to listen to.
- getting calls from family/friends that want to meet up with me and hearing the excited tone in their voices.

Three less-than-goods:
- damn cut on my hand won't heal.
- failing to reach out/comfort/understand a loved one.
- the referendums.

Sorry for not writing more, loyal reader(s). If I'm not writing, it doesn't mean I don't like you anymore. I'm probably just getting a fair amount of riboflavin elsewhere and am saving the blogging for the juicy stuff.

RE: milo maize obturator nerve

2006-11-01T16:13:00.000-08:00

Some of the best spam ever. One sentence. No offers. No viagra. If a door-to-door salesman came to my door and recited this line for me, I'd give him $20 no questions asked.

Elizabeth's salutation than a slight inclination of the head, and sat down without saying a word.

Inspiration Everywhere

2006-10-29T16:18:00.000-08:00

Inspiration everywhere, but not a drop of ink.

Everytime I come back to Wisconsin, everything becomes artistically inspiring. The Milwaukee film festival was, of course, pure inspiration. Seeing the [rather poor] quality of some of the local contributions made me wonder if I'm not too far off from being able to get into festivals myself where I could maybe show them a thing or two (ha!).

Helping Jamie with her upcoming art show has gotten me interested in the art show world -- I'd love to have a reason like that to make art. I'm not sure in what setting I see my work (as if I've refined my craft enough to call it 'my work' like it's a collective body or something...) but I do know that I have a strong desire to do something that combines sculpture, painting and video.

Then there's all kinds of web-inspirations that make me wonder if I should be focusing on the art that is also my current bread-and-butter...

In either case, I just need to hold on to the inspiration and use it when I get back to Seattle. Maybe bringing Jamie back with me will help me.

In the meantime, I'm a sponge.

Tidbits:

I love haunted houses.
Pumpkin pie is one of my favorite things in the world.
I was Pee Wee for Halloween. Stay tuned for pix.

Wisconsin

2006-10-23T19:38:00.001-07:00

Wisconsin Autumn, I missed you. You always fill me up with good memories and the best moments of clarity. I'm glad I'm here.

Spam Salad #2

2006-10-23T19:34:00.000-07:00

The original:

hides, believe traffic .pine the of the the that a cloud? the the starts from overripe for plays with how, self-flagellates. the microscope laughs polar ocean. the living. of secretly globule .tripod When money building cosmopolitan wheelbarrow baseball the? however, on inside dust love a goes umbrella the wedding avocado ritual .scout, lazily defined around reactor insurance Any food annoying grand radioactive. floor. buys a give toward pink chain A .means is fruit then, dressing

Zackified:

Roberta hides, believing that traffic is out to get her. "Does that cloud look like a pine tree?" she wonders, biting into an overripe pear. She lives a leisurely life: playing, reading "HOW" magazine, self-flagellating, etc. It wasn't always so easy. She recently returned from a mission in the north Atlantic ocean, where she used microscopes to discover secret living globules. It paid well.

Upon returning, she found herself with an insatiable desire to shop: tripods, building-blocks, cosmopolitan magazine subsriptions, a wheelbarrow, and a baseball -- and that was just from Walmart! But on the inside, she recognized that her heart was gathering dust. She dreamed of a tropical rainforest wedding with avacado-shaped umbrellas. Scout, her lazy little dog, spent most of his time barking at the nearby nuclear reactor. Scout was also "insurance" in case Roberta ran out of food. (She feared the radioactive content, annoyingly.)

Suddenly, Roberta hit the floor. She was having a heart attack. She reached for the pink chain she had bought to connect to her cell phone for such emergencies, but it had gotten caught on the table cloth. She pulled, and brought the table cloth with her. The fruit fell onto her face. Then, the dressing.

Empire Builder

2006-10-18T04:30:00.000-07:00

I'm on my way back to Wisconsin for a six-week visit. Today I get on the famed "Empire Builder", Amtrak's longest route. It'll be two days of reading, writing, watching the world go by. Traveling by air takes a day and basically leaves me numb. By train allows me time to think and imagine and build up my energy. (And, it was $300 cheaper.) I'm coming to see friends, go to haunted houses, Halloween parties, help Jamie with her art show, remember what crappy weather is like, have a real Thanksgiving, and sweep my girl off her feet and carry her back with me to Seattle where we will finally be able to start having a near-distance relationship. Is there any more powerful way to tell somebody you love him/her than to leave all familiarity behind to be with them? I'm one lucky sonuvabitch to have my favorite girl with me in my favorite place. I'm not really the type to take things for granted, but I have promised myself to never stop doing the opposite, in gratitude. Wisconsin, here I come.

Spam Salad All Over the Place

2006-10-13T22:20:00.000-07:00

Spam Salad is apparently a concept I share with many others. Check this out:

Spam Salad

2006-10-12T00:22:00.000-07:00

Spam is sent to the spam folder and deleted automatically every thirty days. But oh there is so much good stuff to read! I read one today and the nonsensical text they put in to beat the spam filters was almost poetic. So, I thought I'd go with it.

The original unedited spam:

Mrs. was busy setting a new batch of bread, and looked up withthat was unpleasant and be happy in his presence.outlying shoulder of the Brandon Hills for a landmark. When they leaveA perfect content grew upon her; she forgot her fearsher loneliness
modest curiosity possibly occupying cave were close beside me; worker but my pistol I kept in my camp-fire lap beneath
a place of evolution between let somebody down her quarrel with Fred; she remembered only the happy company of the

With a little work, it becomes this:

My wife was busy baking another batch of her delicious bread when she suddenly paused; she looked out the kitchen window. The distant Brandon Hills, a landmark in her life for all that was happy and yet, somehow, unpleasant, were catching the last of the day's sunlight.

"I'll only be happy when those hills are gone," she thought to herself. The thought of the hills being leveled brought her some peace.

I was camping in those hills at the time. Some small critters, probably from the nearby cave, were scouting through my camp looking for food. I considered drawing my pistol, but I was enjoying my fire and didn't want to disturb the peace.

I had come up here to get away from things. I recently discovered that she had been having an affair with Fred, her co-worker at the natural history museum. The affair ended bitterly, and I could only hope that she would remember why she fell in love with me so many years ago...

Stay tuned for the next installment of "Spam Salad."